After about a year of living on my own in Los Angeles...I've decided to return back home to all my friends in Maryland. Unfortunately, the whole of my experience made a gigantic negative impact on my mental stability. And musically, I've been faced with a lot of discouragement, punctuated by the extremely stale buffer to not give up.
I've seen boring white dudes, both young and old, in the positions I'd ideally want as a composer. Their advice was generic and their current work situations always sounded like bigger headaches to manage than what they're worth. Comments from peers and teachers have hurt my artistic soul in ways I didn't think would stick in my subconscious for so long. It's funny because I do read such confused comments on a lot of my more recent work and only feel stung slightly, but to also have the affirmation of someone right in front of you saying "...your music sounds clueless" is more of a lasting pain than what I initially didn't feel when it was said.
Luckily, I have overwhelming support from all my weird music friends back home, but I need some time to heal before I consider seriously pursuing music again. As a tool for healing, I've been getting back into writing arrangements and being involved with the Washington Metropolitan Gamer Symphony Orchestra, integrating my uncharacteristic musical voice in my arranging because I'm selfish and stubborn. I will always make music, if only for myself, which is essentially what ZipZipper is. But, developing my identity in the professional world may never happen. I'm so f-ing tired of being my own biggest cheerleader. Social media is becoming more and more of the ubiquitous necessity to facilitate one's exposure and success, and I get worn out just trying to casually keep that up.
So basically, I'm giving up the dream. I've learned a lot about myself and it sucks. Now I feel like I have to figure out what to do with my life all over again. And that is why I've also begun orchestrating my Requiem...so I can perish and then never hear it performed live. I've got five out of nine movements pretty much completed so far. Here's a snapshot from the Confutatis Maledictis that I hope gives you a migraine:
Please don't hesitate to message me if you wanna go on a date sometime just to throw up your life trauma on me like I did here. Uncomfortable sharing is one of my favorite activities. See y'all later.
~~ said ZipZipper